May 30, 2023 - the day my world changed, my heart broke, my dad was gone.
My dad has always been a "fixer". He could fix or make anything. My whole life, I went to dad to fix things. The broken toy as a toddler, the hole in the wall from teenage angst (well he may have found that one on his own), bailing me out of an unfortunate fire sprinkler incident in college, co-signing a for a first new car as I started out a new life in Oregon, landscaping and prepping our first home for sale, building furniture and installing a pet door in our new home, and making two rooms into one for his granddaughter's dream bedroom. He was just always the go-to guy to fix things.
After 17 years of living 1300 miles apart, Mom and dad moved to Oregon in 2017. Dad found the property of his dreams...a home on a river with dreams of catching fish out his back door. Turns out "there are no fish in that river" but boy did he love Dawson Court. Yes, there were things to fix there...new cupboards, new flooring, a shop and carport to build, a larger pantry with the etched glass door he always wanted. And let's not forget Squatch. Dad was so proud of the big guy he carved with a chainsaw, and who now proudly watches over the river.
When Dad wasn't in the shop creating, he spent hours at the river's edge. Taking a nap to the sound of running water, watching the wildlife, and looking for bald eagles. It became my favorite place too. My vacation from reality every weekend. A place to spend time in the sun with friends and family. The place where dad and I bonded over building the river shack and precious time spent sitting along the river with a Mich Ultra, having some of the best conversations and dreaming up some of the best (or not so) ideas for our next party, creation, or adventure.
Dad would say "there is so much to do in this country" as he found a new road to wonder or new town to explore. When I told him about getting a job in Oregon, I'll never forget his response of encouragement - "There's good fishin' in Oregon Sum!" Oh how he wanted to fish, and fish he did. He caught his salmon, he befriended a deer, he came home with stories and so many memories of some of his “best days”! I was lucky to go with him on his last few guided fishing trips, watching him in his element doing one of the things he loved most.
Parker shared Papa's love of fishing, Papa's love of the river, and just everything about Papa. And boy...did he love his granddaughter. He and mom moved here for Parker. Papa taught her how to ride a bike. He taught her to wood burn and make a pumpkin out of a propane tank. She helped him build a teeter totter out of a fallen tree, she loved working in the shop with him to make the next Mother's Day or Christmas present. Dad built Smiley out of an old grill, and Parker would help dress him up to greet visitors. Papa would whisk Parker away for a day's adventure and come home with a paddle board, or evidence of an ice cream escapade. He'd fall to her begging of another four-wheeler drive around the property, or sign up to be a customer for her "River Property" tour guide business. Dad and her dreamed up their own business...Riverfront Wood Works, logo included. Papa would make product, Parker would sell it. They were sure they were going to make lots of money.
These two were best buddies. There's nothing Papa wouldn't do for his granddaughter.
In summer of 2021 my dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer. A scary and terrifying diagnosis for a daughter to hear from her dad. But he was dad, and I remained positive he could fix this.
Dad had a year and a half of medication, chemo, radiation - - all the things that should have fixed it.
In January 2023, Dad went through a seven-hour surgery to fix a broken pelvis - a result of chemo and radiation. Twenty-three screws, 70+ staples, and nine days in the hospital later - we got to bring dad home. Recovery was long and hard. He worked through pain, he was up and walking, even going up and down stairs. We all thought he was on the road of recovery.
And then it all changed. I can only assume the cancer came back with a vengeance. Dad quickly became immobile. Resigned to a chair, and eventually to a bed. I was so frustrated that he was no longer trying to fix it. "Dad, you have to eat", "Dad, you have to do your exercises". I just wanted my dad to get better. I wanted my dad to be fixed. But this was the one time that I had to accept Dad couldn't fix this. He couldn't fight any longer.
How do you prepare to say good-bye to someone you have loved your whole life. Even harder, how do you explain it to your 11-year-old little girl who has loved her Papa her whole life? Parker was adamant to get to see him one last time, to get one last hug. That's a hard call for a parent to make, but I know in my heart we made the absolute right decision. Parker crawled into bed with Papa. He was awake, gave her the biggest hug and held her as they both cried. It will forever be the saddest and most beautiful memory that I will hold in my heart.
I had the honor to be with Dad during his last few days. They weren't pretty, and by far the hardest thing I have EVER had to go through. Seeing your parent in that kind of pain is indescribable. There was a weight lifted and a heartbreaking relief I felt when he could finally sleep and not have to fight. The morning Dad passed, I was looking out at the river and a bald eagle flew over. I knew it was Papa flying free – free of pain – over the place he loved the most.
Dad, I'm not quite sure how to do life without you. Who is going to fix everything I break? Who is going to fix this heart that is shattered and a piece forever missing? I know I'll figure it out, with mom, and we'll figure out this stupid new normal. I know you would want us to move forward, have a party, and enjoy the life that you gave us. We will....eventually.
In the meantime, I will look for a bald eagle wherever I go, and when I see one, I’ll know that it’s you, saying hi and checking in on us. I'll always tip my Mich Ultra in your honor, and one day I may be able to hold back the tear that will inevitably follow.
Happy Father's Day Dad - I will miss you forever.
- THANK YOUS-
Dad didn't want to share his condition with many people. In his true fashion...he didn't want anyone to worry, and to be honest, we all thought he would kick cancer's ass and no one would be the wiser. To all of the family and friends who found out and/or reached out after dad's passing, thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for your understanding. Thank you for your gifts, your encouragement and love, even though many of you were experiencing your own heartbreaking grief.
These past two years were some hard years with lots of tears. We were so lucky to have the few people who surrounded us as we went through it.
My best friends. If ever a girl needed her tribe, they were there in force. Kim, thanks for listening to me every week, letting me cry, and just having that quiet presence when I needed it. Jessica, thanks for our pizza paloozas and WWE - distractions from the current reality we so needed. Jamie, thank you for always being so willing to help me with Parks, and giving me much needed laughs during some really sad times. Tausha, thanks for answering the phone the number of times I called asking for advice and just having that calm voice available. Having your experience and expertise was more of a support than you will ever know.
I love you all dearly and am so thankful for you in my life…thanks for being there.
Jake - Fate brought Jake into dad's life. Jake, who happened to be one hell of a fishing guide in Oregon, also became like a son to Dad. These two could go rounds with the best insult towards each other, Jake yelling at Dad to hold the fishing rod differently so he wouldn't lose a fish and Dad telling him to "F off". The relationship with these two was one of a kind. Jake thanks for the impact you left on all of us, helping dad to finally catch that damn fish in Oregon, and for your genuine love and care for him.
I always said that Dad was dipped in luck. And lucky he and mom were, to not only find the property of their dreams, but also next door to some of the most amazing people in the planet.
- Doug, the guy Dad called an asshole because it took him months to wave, then proceeded to become one of his best friends, who shared a love/hate relationship with grapefruit vodka, and someone to equal the shit flipping that Dad so loved. You can call Doug and he's there...in a heartbeat.
- Lacey was Dad's "Peach" and he was her "Prune". Lacey could always make him blush with her humor and latest research. Lacey loved her buddy, would check in with him, mom, and me often. She was as much of a support to me as she was to dad, and she continues to be my shoulder when I need her.
- Carol, always with soft spoken care and patience putting up with Dad's (and Kurt's) shenanigans. She was always excited to see Dad's latest creation and offer kind words of support when needed. She continues to be a shoulder and company for my mom, and for that I'm so thankful.
- And there's Kurt - Dad's brother from another mother. These two bonded quickly and went through it all together. Dad and Kurt spent HOURS together, especially during their 5:00 neighborhood happy hour - whether under a terrible tarp tent by the river, to time spent thinking of new ideas to screw with Doug 😉, to the nightly cornhole games - Kurt with his gin, Dad with his scotch. They were true best friends. Kurt was a huge support for dad during his recovery, helping him with physical therapy, trips to the doctor, or just chatting over a cup of coffee.
These neighbors aren't just neighbors, they are family. I am forever grateful for these people who came into our lives, and have been there with my parents through this entire journey. Thank you Priest's and Carpenter's. I hope you all know how much dad loved you and everything you continue to mean to me.
Oh Cor. Corey had to step into those "fix it" shoes when dad wasn't able to. Every time we were there Dad had another "to-do" for Corey to fix, find, or help mom with. And Corey did so, even if he had no idea what he was doing. Corey loved my dad like his own. And while he has had to deal with his own emotions, he had to be my rock, Parker's rock, Mom's rock. I love my husband immensely for being that guy for me and this family. Always, always, always, Thanks Cor.
Then there's my mom. I can't put into words what it was like to watch her go through all of this with Dad. Every time we drove away from their house, Corey and I would just say in awe "She's one strong lady" as we watched her go back inside, sometimes in tears. How the hell mom held it together these past two years, I'll never know. She never wanted me, Corey, or Parker, to worry. And would do her best to keep us from pain, when she was going through the same thing, if not worse. Mom and I spent hard days and nights together while Dad was in the hospital, and harder nights together at the end. I am forever, ever, ever, ever grateful for my mom, and all that she did to keep dad comfortable. She would have done anything to keep him from pain. Mom, I love you, and we will get through this...one day at a time, as our motto has been for awhile.
